Be Me, Myself

Yesterday I was in dilemma and lost in confusion. There are many questions over my head

Is this the right thing to do ?
Am I doing what God wants me to do ?
Why sometimes I feel no peace and joy ?
Why it seems that there's no sign of pruning ?

And the peak was when I wanted to take nutrition course this coming weekend.
I have applied the course few weeks ago and very excited to attend and learn. As I thought I will be able to claim for skill future credit, I had no worry about the fee.
However, last Wednesday, the institution called me to say that the skill future hasn't approved their application yet, thus if by Friday, it's still pending, I need to pay cash.

My excitement level changed to the opposite. I told my hubby about it and he told me to attend the next class in October because by then it's likely been approved since we have not prepared the cash for that one.
Then the next day, I received message from the institution that it's been approved and I could make payment via skill future credit.
My excitement level was up again and quickly I logged in and to find out another disappointment that I had no more credit balance.

I felt like, God what do you want me to do ? Why do you play on me ?

I planned to call Skill Future to check if I could get top up for the credit on Friday.

However, the whole night I was fighting with myself.
On one side, it's telling me that perhaps God allows this to happen so that I could go for my community recollection.
Another side, it's telling me that I have been hoping and waiting for this weekend to learn and now I need to forgo it because of the money.
Since, the fight never rest and had no solution, I decided to go to adoration room today after sending my boys to school.

There, I was crying and telling Go what I feel that moment.
Then, my soul was brought back to my favourite place, Lake of Galilee.
The video that played in my mind was the doves in the lake.

They are happy bird
They never worry about food
They wait for the people to give them food
They never take things that don't belong to them
They are doing what they are supposed to do
They are enjoying themselves
In conclusion, they are happy bird because they are acting as who they are

I was reminded from these birds that

Be me, Be myself
Be true, Be authentic, Be genuine
Be humble, Be happy
Be patience

Then, I made decision and affirmed myself that yes, it's what God wants me to do, to help and inspire people in living healthy body, mind and soul.

However, the way He wants me to do is

Give without asking returnShare without asking to be paid

He doesn't want me to be worry about money and how much I could achieve.

He asks me to do my part, to be true, honest and genuine showing care to others.

And last but not least, when I asked Him whether I should go for recollection or attending the course.

He simply answered what my heart wants 

If I go for recollection because I feel "forced" to please God, that's no point of doing that.

If I want to go for course, am I willing to be part with the money ?

If the answer is yes, then just go.

After finishing my prayer, I called skill future and true enough that there's no more top up in the time being, so I need come up from my own pocket.

But I am ready to be part with that.

Thank you God for the affirmation and consolation.