I have been absent from spiritual exercise for the past one month.
My praying life was so messy, I would say that I almost didn't spend quality time with God and it really drove me crazy.
I opened a hole for the evil and human desire to surface and in the end I bore the consequences with fear and confusions.
Everything was well when I trusted God and did His will but one step away, it lead me further from God.
During the past month, I have been pondering about my life.
What is my life purpose ?
What I'm going to do to make myself useful ?
What God wants me to do ?
And one main push factor is I want to help lightening my husband's burden.
He's been a sole breadwinner for the past 11 years and he's living in fear if one day he's retrenched or sick or unable to work anymore.
I understood very well how he feels and really want to help him however when I see my three young children, I don't have any heart to leave him to the maid or childcare.
I felt so tormented about this, I keep thinking for the best solutions and there are three options
1. Return back to workforce, hire the maid or left the kids at childcare/student care.
Pro : I will have steady income so my husband won't be so worry
Cons : I will have guilty feeling, will not able to pass the moral impact to the children
2. Revamp my business, rebranding
Pro : I can maximise my skills, have self achievement and self confident, Still able to take care the children
Cons : Income will be uncertainty, I need to work double hard, do everything by myself and may need to forgo the quality time with family
3. Doing Amway Business
Pro : Have more flexible time and take care children, I don't need to work double hard from the scratch since I have a team to support, prepare for the future passive income
Cons : I may need to approach friends and prepare myself to be rejected, money won't be so much in the beginning
From these three options, my husband of course will opt for the first one since he concerns on the steady and dual income.
As for me, I want to do second option because I can maximise my skills and have self achievement but in the same time, it's easy for me to fall into "rely on my own strength".
The least option is doing Amway Business, because my fear is greater than my faith.
There's uncertainty and I have no control over it. My main fear is approaching friends and fear to be rejected and unfriend. I care too much about my pride which is my stumbling block.
However, this past two days, God has been guiding and consoling me.
First, when my parents celebrated 38th years anniversary. I gave me a reflection how they put the family first over the money. Even though we were struggling financially and she had a choice to work, my mom decided to be a stay at home mom.
Nonetheless, we survived until now, God provides !
Secondly, in today's reading, about What A Little Faith we have !
Because of fear, we unable to let go the stumbling blocks.
Because of fear, we unable to see that God is with us and He has a power to turn the situation
Honestly, even though in my mind, I said I trust God but I still have a little doubt in my heart.
Well, I only hope that Holy Spirit will help and lead me away.
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