Gratitude :
I thank God for this beautiful day
I thank God for waking me up this morning so I have 15 minutes quiet time to start the day
I thank God that I am able to have fun with my kids, accompany them for bowling
I thank God that I am able to finish my tasks half of the day
I thank God for this quiet time that I am able to do my retreat today
Reading : Mat 14 : 22 - 33
22. Then Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people away.
23. After sending the people away, he went up a hill by himself to pray. When evening came, Jesus was there alone ;
24. and by this time the boat was far out in the lake, tossed about by the waves, because the wind was blowing against. it.
25. Between three and six o'clock in the morning Jesus came to the disciples, walking on the water.
26. When they saw him walking on the water, they were terrified, "it's a ghost !" they said, and screamed with fear.
27. Jesus spoke to hem at once. "Courage!" he said, "it is I. Don't be afraid !"
28. Then Peter spoke up, "Lord, if it is really you, order me to come out on the water to you."
29. "Come !" answered Jesus. So Peter got out of the boat and started walking on the water to Jesus.
30. But when he noticed the strong wind, he was afraid and started to sink down in the water. "Save me, Lord !" he cried.
31. At once Jesus reached out and grabbled hold of him and said, "What little faith you have ! why did you doubt ?"
32. They both got into the boat and the wind died down.
33. Then the disciples in the boat worshiped Jesus. "Truly you are the Son of God !" they exclaimed.
Grace I ask for : Peace
The Prayer Method : Ignatian Contemplation
Reflection :
After reading for the first time, the words that are jumping out is THEY WERE TERRIFIED, IT'S A GHOST
As I read more and more until three times, these words are echoing again and again.
I decided to close the bible and my eyes and starting my imagination.
I and other disciples were talking after the miracles of five loaves and two fishes when Jesus asked us to go on the other side by boat, He will meet us there after having some quiet time alone.
We obeyed and we took the boat to the lake.
In the middle of the lake, we saw the strong winds came suddenly. Our boat was tossed by the waves and we were all terrified and scared. We were helpless and couldn't think clearly.
Suddenly, one of the disciple screamed and said Look ! What was that ? Is it a Ghost ?
As were already terrified and scared with the current situations, all of us couldn't see it clearly and more terrified we were. My heartbeat was racing fast.
Then Jesus spoke, Courage ! This is I !
We still couldn't believe it. Then Peter told Him, if He's really Jesus, he wants to walk to water towards Jesus.
All of us were worried and asked him, are you sure about this ?
But Peter never answered us and got out from the boat started to walk in the water. At first, all of us were stunned and suddenly when Peter fell and going to sink, we were all panicking and screaming at him.
Jesus then reached out, hold his hand and both of them got in the boat.
We were still speechless and my heart beat was still racing fast even though Jesus was already in the boat.
Jesus looked at us and asked us to calm down. The wind started to calm down too, and the sun started to rise too.
I breathed in and out but I still felt uneasy from the whole experience.
Then, I started to ask Him, why and what's the meaning of this ? After we saw the miracle of breaking bread and now we were in the opposite situation.
He then started to explain.
Many people came to God to ask Him to fulfil their needs and wants and when they got what they want, they thank God and praise Him. But it's all temporary faith.
When they experience something that are not what they expect, they forgot Jesus.
The anxiety, fear overwhelmed them, and all negative thoughts were starting to blind their eyes, their heart, their ears and their mind.
God has chosen us, the disciples to experience more deeper. Peter even though he has some doubt but has courage, however, with human's strength, he won't be able to overcome the overwhelmed fear, anxiety alone, he still need God's grace to help him.
The moral of the story was when the darkness came and it overwhelmed you, ask for God's grace to help you overcome those things.
After He explained it, I still felt uneasy, there's somehow fear and anxiety deep down in my heart so Jesus asked me, is there something bothering you that make you worry or fear, just tell me and it may release your burdens.
Then I told him about my desire to bring my parents to China. As I started talking, I was tearing.
I told Him, you know my father's dream was to bring my grandfather back to China but he's unable to do that and now I want to bring my parents to China to fulfil their wishes, but I'm not working, I have no means to fulfil it.
I have asked my husband about it but instead of saying yes, we ended up quarrel, so I just kept it for myself. But it's still bothering me though.
Then Jesus replied, I know that you are a fillial daughter, I know you have a heart that can't hate and keep grudge, a forgiving heart, eventhough you parents may hurt you when you are a child, you are able to forgive and love them and even have desire to fulfil their wishes.
I could provide you with the resources and means but as long as you and your husband couldn't agree on it, it will have no point.
Then, He told me why my husband doesn't agree into it because he thought that he's the one who's working and why should he giving the money to others not his parents first.
But it's more than meet the eye, there's deeper than that.
He has wounded heart and he still hasn't able to forgive his father. He felt abandoned during the childhood thus when he grew up, he wanted to prove that he could be successful without his parents' help. That's why he carried this burden every time, felt worry and couldn't trust God 100% that God will provide especially when he has limited resources and means.
What you need to do is pray for him and his soul so that he may be able to forgive his father.
Once he's able to forgive his father, all the burdens will be released and he's able to trust in God's providence and it will be easier for him to say yes to your requests. Once, it's settled, all the resources and means will be opened for you.
Knowing about this, suddenly the peace is calming me down.
As the sun starts rising, I was able to enjoy the beautiful morning.
Jesus said, I love your husband too and I don't want him to carry the burden but he needs to learn to let it go. He can't do it alone, you need to help him by praying for him.
I felt loved, joy and peace.
As all other disciples hug me and said that they will support me in prayer too, I was crying in joy.
All my fear and anxiety were replaced by unconditional love that I received from Jesus and the disciples.
It was such a beautiful experience that I never knew before that my other half was wounded so deeply.
I only can thank God for this knowledge and I will definitely prayed for him and let God's Grace heal his wound so that he may be able to forgive his father and release all his burdens he carried.
Thank you so much for the peace and love !
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