This is my personal daily journey that I created as a mean to find true inner peace and joy in daily life.
Inspired by St Paul - the Apostle movie, I was enlightened to find my life purpose.
And through that movie, I realised that I need to be the salt and light to have meaningful life and let others to see the truth without forcing them to change or convert according to my will.
It's a noble life purpose, isn't it ?
I am an impulsed person, feeling excited about that I started to write personal blog about wellness, and also write down on how good my marriage life is and share it with friends. My first motivation was true and pure to be a living testimony how God has done great things in my life.
However, thing was not as simple as that. It's very easy for our human pride took control of everything.
At first, I was feeling good to be able to inspire others, feeling accomplished when I received praise about my writings and feel satisfaction when my life became an inspirational for others.
But after sometimes, when none praise or "like" my postings as much as before, I started to feel disappointment and discouragement. And when I see other's postings received more "likes" I started to tell and deceive myself that their postings are just superficial.
Without realising, those thoughts has robbed my life. Instead of focusing important things like tending my family's needs, I started spending my time looking for more creative ideas to create interesting posts to get more "likes" and "followers". In the end, I was trapped into this SELF RIGHTEOUS WORLD.
On the other hand, I have been struggling with PRO-LIFE.
I have a stone heart not to have anymore children. My hubby has been encouraging me patiently to do NFP but I told him that I can't. My anxiety and trauma are much more bigger than my faith to God for this matter.
I confront God that in the beginning I'm not passionate with the children, why You still want to entrust me with more children if I open myself to PRO-LIFE.
Short temper and lack of patience with kids are my valid excuses why I don't want anymore children.
The truth is it's my SELF INTEREST to pursue my own dreams. I want to have my own sweet time to do what I love to do. Writing blogs, be an entrepreneur, an inspirational writer.
The more stubborn I am, the more I am lost and confused.
I found emptiness in whatever I do, tending my family's needs become an autopilot activity. There's no feeling involved.
When my children don't do what I expect them to do, I will be easily raising my voices to them.
When they do silly things which in the end dirty the room, I will be very annoyed and pass my anger to them.
I am using authoritative discipline in the name of love which I don't think my children get it.
Until one day, one of my FB friends share this beautiful message from Archbishop William Goh
about SEEING ALL THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE OF CHRIST
He said that many people are unsatisfied with their life. They are looking for something to fill the emptiness. Those who already have everything are always yearn for something missing. Those who already obey all commandments still looking for something.
Those who are rich and charitable out of guilty also feel that they are lacking in something.
And even those who have genuine love to help others, be an inspirational and motivational example to others are still feeling amiss in their life.
What they are lacking is GOD. To be perfect is to find completion in God alone.
It is only when God is with and in us, we can find fulfillment in life. Without God, no matter that we do, life will not be complete.
We need to put God as focus of our life. Our true motivation should be the love of God and and put Him first and it's all for the Glory of God not ours.
It was like a wake up call when I read those writing.
God has been kind enough to remind me what has been going wrong.
It's because of my SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS.
I play the role as God, my motivation has changed to seek my own glory, being respected and praised by others in the mask of an inspirational and influencer writer.
I was feeling a shame to myself and from that moment, I decide to change.
I ask His forgiveness and Grace to break my SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS down and change my stone heart to be a humble heart.
That's where this blog came from so that one day it will be a good reminder if I fall into temptation again.
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