Dark Side

Yesterday, I was disappointed with my hubby.
I picked him up from his gathering with his friends and found him drunk.
When I called him, I knew from his voice that he's not in the right mind. Then when he went inside the car, I could smell the reek of alcohol from his mouth.

At that moment, I only asked how many did you drink ?
He told me that's not much and started telling me story as if he's not drunk.
I knew from his behaviour and the way he talked, he's drunk.

Along the way until we arrived, I just kept silence and only responded like " ooic, ok, oh ya ".
Even when we arrived at home, I just went back straight to the bed and wanted to sleep right away.
I didn't dare to look at him on his eyes.

As expected, he came to my bed side and told me that he's sorry for letting me down.
I didn't respond back, only said it's okay, just have a good rest.
Few minutes later, he threw up in the toilet. I didn't know how long he spent inside the toilet, nursing his drunkenness. I didn't bother about going to toilet and checking on him.

This morning, before his departure for business trip, he apologised again.
I couldn't say anything or angry with him, on the other hand, I didn't have any peace too.
After sending him to airport and return back home, I was crying out loud.

It's not that I couldn't forgive him, but I was too scared.
I was scared when he's drunk.
I was scared when he's not in the right mind and do foolish thing
I was scared seeing his dark side

I love him ? Yes
Can I forgive him ? Yes
I scared of him ? Yes
Can I accept him as who he is ? I don't know

In my quiet moments, I was reminded that my heart was fragile. I have freedom to love but the more I gave, there's possibilities that I receive more hurts.
However, if I have close relationship with God, God will be able to heal the wounds of my heart so that I can love freely again.

That's the only consolation during my quiet moments with God.
Hopefully, slowly, I could accept him as who he is including his dark side.